Are you playing the role of the VICTIM?

Are you playing the role of the VICTIM? 

We all know someone — that friend who always seems to be suffering the wrongdoings of someone else, or that aunt who complains nobody in the family has any consideration toward her needs ever despite all her sacrifices, or that coworker who is “resigned” to the abuse of their boss but who never quits their job. Victim mentality — pretty common, isn’t it?
Victim mentality prevents people from making objective decisions and evaluations of everyday life. People who have a victim mentality have not necessarily been victimized through a crime, but they are individuals who have adopted this behavior and attitude from years—usually during childhood—where core emotional or physical needs were not met.

Become Self-Aware explains that victim mentality is a form of negative thinking where an individual looks to others for experiences and life fulfillment instead of to themselves. This often manifests in adulthood as character traits of entitlement and neediness.

Victim mentality manipulated through health complaints
Victim mentality often leads people to manipulate others through health complaints.

“…the adult who is still playing the child victim role responds like the deer that sees a mountain lion approaching and instead of fleeing the danger becomes paralyzed,” explains Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D., psychologist and author. “This person just keeps noticing over and over that the situation is unreasonable, unfair or threatening but doesn’t make the appropriate adaptive responses.”

What leads to a victim mentality?
Victim mentality is considered a natural extension of dependency felt during childhood. Because children must rely on adults for all of the comforts in life, parents who are overly negative, critical and hard on children can foster a sense of being “not good enough.”

This feeling of inadequacy teaches children to rely on others for happiness and reaffirmation– a habit which, for those with victim mentality, follows into adulthood.

Victim mentality is often a sign of emotional immaturity.
Victim mentality in everyday life.
Victim mentality affects people from all walks of life and we have all at some point used the victim role to our advantage. However, the victim mentality is a chronic issue that becomes a person’s main way to see and interact with the world. They really do believe they are victims of something or someone.

Characteristics of individuals with this issue include:
Negative self-image
Demanding
Entitlement
Blaming
Complaining
Underlying feelings of being powerless
Frequent use of the phrase, “Yes, but…”
Victim mentality may turn people into bullies
People in victim roles often turn bullies and abusive, justifying their behavior by being provoked.

In many situations, people are unaware they are displaying a victim mentality; it is simply a way to shift the blame from themselves to another person.

People who chronically suffer from victim mentality, however, are stuck in a pattern of blaming and negativity, even over inconsequential events.
According to Dr. Nicola Davies, people who are stuck in the victim mentality role, tend to verbally and physically abuse others and then blame it on being provoked, constantly try to control other people’s sympathy by “needing” support or compassion, try to prove they are indeed the victim of others by staying in conflicted relationships (personal or business), and also complain of other people taking advantage of their kindness.

Recognizing when someone is suffering from victim mentality versus just being manipulative can be difficult. The main difference is chronic presence of negativity rather than just a fleeting moment of manipulation.

“‘Victims’ deal in judgments and ‘shoulds’ in interactions with others. They operate on the basic assumption that the world should be fair: ‘I should have been loved by my parents.’ ‘My children should call me or write to me.’ ‘After all that I’ve done for her, the least she could do …’,” explain Dr. Firestone. ” This type of preoccupation with ‘rights’ and ‘shoulds’ is irrelevant to the real problems that we are all faced with; it leads to inward brooding, righteous indignation and vengeful feelings. Worse yet, angry, victimized feelings are bottled up inside, contributing to depression and psychosomatic disorders.”

10 Ways You May Be Fooling Yourself (and the Unpleasant Consequences)

One of the best and worst things that can ever happen to you occurs the day you wake up and smell the coffee.

The day that something or someone shines the bright light of truth on a belief or situation, and you awaken to that truth, can be Earth-shattering and life-changing.

It is an inevitable part of being an adult, having been impacted by people and life experiences, to have our heads buried in the sand about certain parts of our lives. There are places where we’ve clung to beliefs and behaviors without ever investigating or challenging them.

Sometimes we do this out of ignorance. But I think most of us know on some deeper level that we are fooling ourselves. It’s just too uncomfortable or painful to admit it.

One of the most important requirements of personal growth and evolution is the willingness to poke around in these areas and awaken to the truth.

Often this happens abruptly and unexpectedly when something or someone forces it upon us. This can be extremely painful, like ripping a band-aid off of a wound.

Every single one of us, regardless of how evolved and self-aware, have pockets of denial, misconceptions, defensiveness, and ignorance. By accepting that as a given, we can initiate the process of waking up to the truth without the dramatic pain of it occurring unexpectedly.

Does that mean the process will be pain-free?

No, there is discomfort in acknowledging how we’ve been denying the truth. Fear of this discomfort is the reason why we fool ourselves for so long. But the short-term discomfort of awareness is far less disruptive than the long-term consequences of remaining fooled.

So let’s talk about the reasons why it’s so essential to stop fooling yourself and to wake up to the truth. In certain situations, it seems best to just “leave well-enough alone.” Why stir the pot unnecessarily if you are functioning pretty well? There are many reasons why . . .

Quite often, when you are fooling yourself, you aren’t fooling others. Especially those closest to you can often see through to the truth that you can’t see. Remaining closed to the truth can cause relationship difficulties and undermine your credibility and the respect of those you love and care about. When you fool yourself, you can look like a fool.

Fooling yourself prevents you from becoming fully yourself. When you are living a lie or clinging to a misconception, you deny yourself the opportunity to live authentically and openly. Being real does require vulnerability, but being vulnerable allows for a much richer, more intense experience of life.

Fooling yourself requires a lot of energy. As I mentioned before, most of the time we know on some level when we aren’t facing a truth or looking at reality. Beyond that inner knowing, we get hints from other people. The emotional energy required to maintain a facade or ignore a situation is draining and debilitating. This is energy we could be using for something creative and affirming.

When you are fooling yourself, you cut yourself off from opportunities and learning that could bring your more happiness and fulfillment. The truth will set you on a different path, one that is in alignment with who you really are. There is such power and energy in being real that you find life is less of a struggle and the best choices and decisions come to you more naturally. Other people also find you more attractive because of your realness.

From my experience as a coach and in my own life, I’ve observed some common areas where we fool ourselves and lose touch with reality. Here are 10 of them:

1. Believing your thoughts and feelings define reality

This is the most common and most difficult place where we fool ourselves because we are so attached to our thoughts and feelings. We get caught in the trap of believing that every thought that goes through our heads (and the feelings the thoughts foster) is the truth. But if you examine and challenge your thoughts, you will see how few of them reflect reality.

The Awakening: Challenge your negative thoughts especially. Find evidence to the contrary. Attempt to detach from your thoughts and examine them as a detective would.

2. Believing you are right and others are wrong

This goes along with believing your thoughts but extends to your interpersonal relationships. You have established a set of beliefs based on your experiences and perceptions. This appears to you to be the best and only way in your mind. But you don’t have all of the information. Others have experiences and perceptions that add to the truth as well.

The Awakening: Acknowledge the your way isn’t the only way and that you perceive things through the filter of your personal experience. Detach from the ego-based need to be right and adopt a learner’s mindset. Recognize the potential value in all perspectives.

3. Accepting perceived limitations

We fool ourselves into believing that we aren’t capable of change, achievement, or learning. We use past failures, outdated beliefs, or simple stubbornness to prevent ourselves from moving forward in life. We accept that we are too old, too lazy, not smart enough, or not confident enough. Then we feature these excuses as “the truth” for us until we actually believe it.

The Awakening: In the vast majority of situations, we are capable of far, far more than we believe. The only way to know for sure is to try. By not trying and making the choice to believe excuses, you are making a conscious choice to limit yourself.

4. Believing you can control everything

People who fall into the over-achiever or perfectionist category often believe if they do everything right, they can control their lives and keep things exactly as they want them to be. They strive to keep their personal and professional environments in tip-top shape, according to their perceptions of perfection. This often extends to their relationships as well, as they feel the need to control the behavior of others.

The Awakening: For this situation, the awakening often occurs only after an uncontrollable event rocks the world of the perfectionist or over-achiever. Everything comes crashing down, and they realize in spite of their best efforts, there are many things out of their control. Accepting and even embracing the ambiguity and unpredictability of life frees you to go with the flow and learn to live joyfully in the moment.

5. Blaming others for your problems or mistakes

Accepting personality responsibility is hard. It means you are flawed and capable of failure. It seems far easier to deflect the blame to someone else so you won’t look bad. But unfortunately, most people see through this. And when you deflect blame, you also give away your personal power and replace emotional maturity with child-like behavior.

The Awakening: Always look at a problem or failure from the perspective of your personal responsibility and contribution. In the long run, the only behavior you can change is your own. When you accept responsibility for what you could have done differently, you empower yourself to learn and grow for the next time.

6. Believing there are no alternatives

Sometimes situations feel completely overwhelming when they go wrong. We’ve gone down a path, carefully planning our actions and choices, only to have everything blow up in our faces. In that moment, we believe we must give up. We think there are no other alternatives, no other way we can find happiness or a solution. So we simply accept the finality of failure.

The Awakening: In most cases, there is always another alternative or another way. Sometimes you have to wait until the emotional dust settles over the initial blow-up or failure. But with time, you can go back to the drawing board and find a solution. There are many paths to a successful outcome.

7. Accepting a bad relationship

When you have been in a long-term relationship, whether it’s a marriage, partnership, or friendship, it is easy to get caught in the trap of accepting what is really unacceptable to you. It is far easier to put up with the pain and frustrations than to address the real issues and deal with them. But inside, you are compromising yourself and your needs.

The Awakening: This is another scenario in which the awakening frequently happens because it is forced. Something happens in the relationship to trigger the frustrations or pain, and the truth is forced to the surface. It is far less painful to determine what you need from the relationship, and if necessary seek counseling to help you navigate moving forward safely or ending it.

8. Living beyond your means

People spend more than they make for a variety of reasons. Some are poor money managers. Others believe they deserve or need the things they want whether or not they can afford them. And others delude themselves into believing the debt won’t catch up with them. Regardless of the reasons, living in debt irresponsible, scary, and draining.

The Awakening: Accept that debt is unacceptable to you. Shift your thinking to believe that being debt-free is more fulfilling than having all of the things you want to buy. Do what needs to be done to become debt free. Revisit #’s 3, 5, and 6 to support this awakening.

9. Looking for happiness outside of yourself

Most of us spend a lot of time seeking happiness through possessions, relationships, prestige, power, appearance, and money. These things might offer short-term satisfaction, but we can never get enough. Once we’ve achieved one goal, we look to the next to maintain our happiness.

The Awakening: Happiness is achieved by finding joy and contentment in the present moment. This moment is the only reality, so practice being happy in the moment. Research also has found that sustained happiness comes from service, nurturing relationships, committing to goals, and engaging experiences.

10. Believing “it will never happen to me”

This is mostly a self-delusion of youth. When you feel invincible, you think you are immune to the tragedies and misfortunes you see happening to others. Sometimes you intentionally detach from other people’s tragedies so they won’t “infect” you with their pain and problems. But bad things happen to all of us. It is rare that anyone escapes life without experiencing pain and loss.

The Awakening: Accepting that bad things can and will happen opens your heart to compassion for yourself and others. It shifts you to a mindset of gratitude for your blessings and allows you to create support and coping tools for future life difficulties. Having the faith that in spite of bad things, you will cope and survive, allows you to live peacefully in the moment.

Simple Saving: The No-Budget Way to Spend Less and Save More

How are your New Year’s resolutions coming along? This is the time of year they start to slip—or even disappear! Maybe those great after-Christmas bargains were too hard to resist, so the resolution to save more money took a heavy hit in January. You thought simple saving was within reach. You’ll do better this month, right?

Obviously we need a consistent, predictable way to decrease spending and increase saving. As I indicated in my blog about a comment made by Meir Statman, we Americans are desperately in need of financial fitness. Despite our dilemma, we balk at the thought of completing a budget.

Why Budgets Don’t Work

Budgets are the traditional way of managing spending and saving habits. Yet psychologically and behaviorally speaking, budgets—like diets—don’t really work for most people. The New York Times article Why a Budget Is Like a Diet—Ineffective tells us that human nature can foil the best of intentions!

Some people do well at budgeting. With couples, sometimes one person is more conscientious about money management and adhering to a spending plan. If you’re a good budgeter, keep it up, because it’s an effective tool. For the non-budgeting majority, there is hope! We can comfortably reduce spending and increase savings using the two-bucket spending method with a drip-by-drip savings plan.

The Two-Bucket Method

Behavioral economics research tells us we tend to separate in our minds various purposes we have for our money. This “mental accounting” can be to our advantage. If we have a purpose for a certain amount of money, we tend to avoid using it for other things.

The two-bucket method I describe here helps you start putting mental accounting to work on paper! It’s simple:

1. Set up two bank accounts, preferably at the same bank. Ideally, one should be a checking account and the other a savings or money-market account. These are your two “buckets.”
2. Label the checking account your “Spend” account and the savings your “Save” account.
3. Link the two accounts so you can transfer money between them easily. Banks that allow you to set up automatic transfer via the Web (most do) are more convenient too.
4. Pay yourself first! Instead of depositing income into Spend, put it all into Save. If you have automatic deposits, direct them straight to savings.

Income goes directly into Save, so simple saving is your default option. Because the default requires no effort, you’re taking advantage of a behavioral economics technique called automaticity.  You are saving automatically and have achieved a big milestone for simple saving.  Congratulations!

Saving Drip-by-Drip

Your mental accounting is probably already in gear. Here’s how to build your savings and imperceptibly nudge yourself to wealth:

1. Time an automatic transfer after each payday to move money from Save to Spend. The transfer amount should initially be 99% of your paycheck. If you are already saving, bravo! Set the transfer to preserve your current saving rate.
2. Always pay bills and take spending money from the Spend account. Keep track of your balance and don't overspend it.
3. Each month, decrease your automatic funds transfer by 1% of your income. For example, if you started with 99%, transfer 98% from Save to Spend the second month, 97% the third month and so on. Each 1% is just $10 per $1000 in monthly income. If you’re paid $4000 per month, you’ll only be reducing spending by $40 per month. Painless!

Our brains are wired to notice sudden or dramatic changes, but not small changes over time. By reducing spending by the drip, we don't feel the loss that often accompanies a noticeable budget restriction. We find small ways to trim. It’s possible to reach a savings of 20% or more of income without suffering from the pinch. Bill payments and basic “creature comforts” are a must, so when things get too tight, that’s the signal to stop increasing the percentage.

Time for a Reward—and a Fatter Retirement Account

Phew—no budget! Once you have money accumulating in savings, reward yourself. One way is to take up to 50% of what you accumulated in the Save account after six months and do something special or fun, like a nice massage or a dinner out. What about the rest of the savings?  Well… remember your New Year’s resolution to put more in your retirement account?

The importance of being careful who you open up to; six types of people you should never confide in when you feel shame about something.

The danger of opening up to one of these people, is that the person can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm. The six types of friends who can make a shameful situation worse, not better:

1.The friend who actually feels shame for you, gasps and confirms how horrified you should be.

2.The friend who responds with sympathy ("I feel so sorry for you.") rather than empathy ("I get it, I feel with you and I've been there.")

3.The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity, who can't help because she's too disappointed in your imperfections.

4.The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds, "How did you let this happen?"

5.The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually make terrible choices ("You're exaggerating. It wasn't that bad.")

6.The friend who confuses connection with the opportunity to one-up you. ("Well, that's nothing. Listen what happened to me...")

“Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?" If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.” Brené Brown

Anyone up for some TOXIC BEHAVIOR?!

In my line of work, I hear from many people a month, and connect with professionals in a more public, open way than ever before. Through this experience, I've seen scores of toxic behaviors that push people away (including me). And I’ve witnessed the damage these behaviors cause – to relationships, professional success, and to the well-being of both the individual behaving negatively, and to everyone around him or her.

Let’s be real - we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another (none of us are immune to it), but many people are more evolved, balanced, and aware, and it happens only rarely in their lives.

Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or once in a blue moon, it’s critical for your happiness and success that you are able to recognize when you’re behaving badly, and shift it when it emerges.

The 6 most toxic behaviors I see every day are:

Taking everything personally

In the powerful little book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz talks about the importance of taking nothing personally. I teach this in my coaching programs and my book Breakdown, Breakthrough as well, and there is so much pushback. “Really, Kathy – don’t take anything personally?”

People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything that happens in life is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them. The reality is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their filters, and their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, it’s more about them. I’m not saying we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally when it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of others’ good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own heart, intuition and wisdom as your guide. So yes – don’t take anything personally.

Obsessing about negative thoughts
It’s very hard to be around people who can’t or won’t let go of negativity – when they dwell on and speak incessantly about the terrible things that could happen and have happened, the slights they’ve suffered, and the unfairness of life. These people stubbornly refuse to see the positive side of life and

the positive lessons from what’s transpiring. Pessimism is one thing – but remaining perpetually locked in negative thoughts is another. Only seeing the negative, and operating from a view that everything is negative and against you, is a skewed way of thinking and living, and you can change that.

Treating yourself like a victim

Another toxic behavior is non-stop complaining that fuels your sense of victimization. Believing you’re a victim, that you have no power to exert and no influence on the direction of your life, is a toxic stance that keeps you stuck and small. Working as a therapist with people who’ve suffered terrible trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it all around, I know that we have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than we initially believe. When you stop whining, and refuse to see yourself as a hapless victim of fate, chance or discrimination, then you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept that reality.

Cruelty - lacking in empathy or putting yourself in others shoes

One of the most toxic and damaging behaviors – cruelty – stems from a total lack of empathy, concern or compassion for others. We see it every day online and in the media – people being devastatingly cruel and destructive to others just because they can. They tear people down online but in a cowardly way, using their anonymity as a weapon. Cruelty, backstabbing, and ripping someone to shreds is toxic, and it hurts you as well as your target.

I had a powerful learning experience about this a few years ago. I came into the house one day in a nasty mood, and shared a mean, sniping comment to my husband about the way a neighbor was parenting her child through one of his problem phases. In less than 24 hours, that very same issue the parent was dealing with came home to roost in my house, with my child. It was as if the Universe sent me the message that, “Ah, if you want to be cruel and demeaning about someone, we’ll give you the same experience you’ve judged so negatively, so you can learn some compassion.” And I did.

If you find yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else down, stop in your tracks. Dig deep and find compassion in your heart, and realize that we’re all the same.

Excessive reactivity

An inability to manage your emotions is toxic to everyone around you. We all know these people – men and women who explode over the smallest hiccup or problem. Yelling at the bank teller for the long line, screaming at your assistant for the power point error he made, or losing it with your child for spilling milk on the floor. If you find that you’re overly reactive, losing it at every turn, you need some outside assistance to help you gain control over your emotions and understand what’s at the root of your emotionality. There’s more to it that appears on the surface. An outside perspective – and a new kind of support – is critical.

Needing constant validation

Finally, people who constantly strive for validation and self-esteem by obsessing about achieving outward measures of success, are exhausting to be around. Those men and women who get caught up in the need to prove their worth over and over, and constantly want to “win” over their colleagues or peers, are toxic and draining.

Overly-attaching to how things have to look and be, and to achieving certain milestones and accomplishments rather than going with life in a more flexible, easy manner, can wear you out and bring everyone else around you down . There is a bigger picture to your life, and it’s not about what you achieve or fail at today. It’s about the journey, the process, the path - what you’re learning and applying, how you’re helping others, and the growing process you allow yourself to engage in.

Stop stressing over the particular outcomes like, “I need that promotion now!” or “My house has to be bigger and more beautiful than my neighbor’s.” Your desperate need to prove your success and build your self-esteem through outer measures of success is (sadly) apparent to everyone but you, and it’s pushing away the very happiness outcomes you’re longing for.

Email - You're not THAT important NOT to answer!

Email - You're not THAT important NOT to answer!

In today’s digital age, you’ve got a ton on your plate. You’ve got Facebook, Twitter and your website. Your cell phone is ringing off the hook and you’re always connected.

 You’ve got all of that to respond to and that doesn’t even scratch the surface of your email. And while cleaning out your inbox may be a daunting task let me assure you of one thing: There’s nothing that will kill a business quicker than not responding to your clients.

First of all, you may very well be leaving business on the table and not even knowing it. Often times, folks will reach out to a potential business partner long before they make a hiring decision. Business these days is all about relationships. How can you have a good relationship with someone if you’re not interacting with them by responding to an email?

Secondly, it’s just plain rude. Now I’m not suggesting that you need to respond to every piece of SPAM that you get in your inbox and I’m not even suggesting that you always need to have the last email in a thread. What I am suggesting is that if there’s something that needs responding to it’s absolutely critical that you do so. Did your client (or whoever you’re emailing) ask you a question? You better answer it. Don’t have to time respond to their email? Pick up the phone can call them. You know… the phone? Yeah, it’s still a pretty important tool even in the “digital age”.

Not answering your email tells a lot about you. If it’s your work email that you’re not responding to, it might suggest that your company isn’t worth working with. Rest assured that there are other companies out there who WILL respond. Is your business THAT booming that you’re willing to lose a potential client simply because you’re “too busy” to respond? If it’s your personal email then not responding will tell someone that you don’t think they’re important enough to respond to. This is a quick way to ensure that they won’t be emailing (or calling) you any time soon.

The Listening Process: Reception vs Response

Language is learnt primarily to facilitate better communication among people. However, those learning a second language may often lose sight of this fundamental reason, and may begin to focus excessively on the nuances of grammar and vocabulary, and lose focus of the point they are trying to get across.

No doubt, you cannot really get by with incorrect (and therefore perplexing) grammar. Nor can you survive with a smattering of words at your command. But merely acing grammar and maximizing word power are not the mark of good communication – examples that prove this are legion. Often teachers of English themselves do not express themselves adequately outside the classroom. People do not understand what they mean and that creates confusion. So what is it that really constitutes good communication?

Communication consists of not only speaking and writing, but also to their respective responses i.e. listening and reading. Often considered passive skills, both reading and listening are underrated and under-analyzed. Listening, especially, is the most ignored aspect of communication. Listening does not mean complete understanding, or comprehension; it means that the speaker's words have registered as meaningful sound. Listening is also to be distinguished from hearing, wherein you only know that there is a sound. Listening lies between understanding and hearing. Listening may further be classified as reactive listening and responsive listening.

A reaction is like a reflex, it is that automatic and unintelligent. We do not pause to reflect on the tone, the mood, the context of the words uttered by the speaker. If it is something that, in the past, has been unpleasant to hear, then we react negatively (e.g. "I like your teaching methods" might evoke an insecure "Oh really!!", because in the past, someone severely criticized your teaching methods by starting off with just those words.). This means that our prejudices kick in a reflex and we totally shut off the speaker. Reactive listening is thus counterproductive – it does not encourage effective communication. There can be no real exchange of ideas and it can sabotage careers and relationships.

A better thing to do is to respond – to allow the spoken word to sink in before we begin our analyzing and judging. We hear the person out patiently, and evaluate their statements on their own merit, rather than allowing our past prejudices to interfere at this stage. (At the final decision making stage, of course, one would use the benefit of previous experience). Responsive listening is required in the professional and personal environments. One has to be genuinely interested in the give and take of ideas. Only then is one receptive to new proposals and ideas. Do not give in to the temptation to show off what you know or to insist on 'my way or the highway'. Only then, our well considered responses truly add to the original statement and to the business at hand. A responsive listener is welcomed in the professional world-people will want to repeat business with you. Personally also, your friends will gravitate towards you because you listen – not only to what's said, but also to what's 'meant'.

Do allow yourself to be dictated by common-sense and sensitivity. The speaker may not have command of the language he uses. Your listening skills must factor this in. the speaker, in the throes of an emotion, may use words he does not really mean. Your sensitivity to his mood will help you understand what he truly means. It will also help you make the right responses that diffuse tensions and foster positivity.

Watch yourself regularly. Are you a good listener? Is your mind with the speaker as he pours his heart out or are you thinking about the stock market? Do your face and body language suggest that you care? Are you interrupting him with your eager solutions?

Intelligent, responsive listening happens when you respect the speaker enough to give him a patient hearing, take the time to evaluate all aspects of the communication and then have step in with your wonderful word power.

Think You Can't Stand To Do Something? Prove Yourself Wrong

Whether you think you can’t stand one more day at the office, or you’re convinced you can’t stand another minute of a dull seminar, don’t give into those thoughts right away. In fact, the more you think you can’t stand something, the more important it is to prove yourself wrong.

Just because you think you can’t stand it, doesn’t mean it’s true. (See my previous article on The 10 Thinking Errors that Will Hold You Back in Life). You’re likely able to tolerate much more than you give yourself credit for. However, the more you think you can’t possibly tolerate another second, the worse you’re likely to feel and the more those thoughts will impact your behavior.

Examples of “I Can’t Stand It” 

Choosing to avoid uncomfortable feelings offers some immediate short-term relief, but avoidance can lead to long-term consequences. Here are some ways that thinking, “I can’t stand this,” causes problems for people:

•  Thinking, “I can’t stand my job anymore,” will likely cause you to only focus on all the negative aspects of your work. You may ignore anything positive about your job and convince yourself that you need to quit right away.•  If you think, “I can’t stand being hungry,” you may eat frequently to avoid any chance that you’ll experience hunger. You may begin eating an extra snack before you head into a meeting or you may stop to pick up an extra bite to eat before your commute home. Even when you don’t feel hungry, you may decide not to take any chances and eat as a preventative measure. Eventually, your waistline may suffer the consequences.

•  When you think, “I can’t stand going to those boring department meetings,” you aren’t likely to look for solutions that could make the meeting more productive. Instead, you may begin to avoid the meetings altogether or waste time complaining to other people about how much you dislike the meetings.

Why Believing Your Self-Doubt is a Bad Idea

Just because you feel uncomfortable, doesn’t mean you need to give up right away. Here are the reasons why you should prove to yourself that you don’t need to stop doing something just because you think you can’t stand it:

•  Thinking you can’t stand something influences how you feel. You’re likely to feel a sense of dread, anxiety, or even anger as you approach something that you think you can’t tolerate. As you experience more negative emotions about something, your thoughts are likely to become exaggeratedly negative.

•  If you give up every time you can’t stand something, you aren’t likely to reach your goals. It’s likely that you greatly underestimate your capabilities. You may sell yourself short if you give up every time you think you can’t stand something.

•  Giving up when the going gets tough can become a bad habit and it can change how you view yourself. You may begin to think you’re weak or that you’re a failure because you can’t seem to stick with things long enough to see positive results.

Prove to Yourself You Can Stand It

When you think you can’t stand something any longer, prove yourself wrong. If you think you can’t stand something for another minute, stick around for two minutes just to prove to yourself that you can do it. If you think you can’t stand one more week at the office, resolve to work at least two more weeks.  Make a conscious decision that you won’t allow your negative thoughts to limit your potential.

That doesn’t mean you need to work at a job you hate for 30 years just for the sake of it, but by working one day longer than you thought you could, you can prove to yourself that you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. If you choose to quit your job, it’s important to understand you quit by choice, not because you couldn’t stand the discomfort any longer.

When you conduct behavioral experiments that prove your thinking wrong, eventually, it will change the way you think. You’ll begin to see that you have more potential than you ever even imagined. You’ll be less likely to think, “I can’t do that.” Instead, you’ll recognize all the things that you can choose to do.

Leaders: Take a Break!

Leaders: Take a Break!

Take a vacation -- for your team's sake
When the boss takes a vacation, it sends a signal that others in the company can too, which is essential for workers to be able to recharge, writes Barry Salzberg, CEO of Deloitte LLP. Leaders need to get vital work out of the way before they leave, have a top-notch team in place to handle day-to-day business and then limit e-mail contact as much as possible. When leaders learn to unplug and let go, it allows others to relax a little, he writes, which helps boost productivity in the long haul.

This story really hit home for me because I just returned from a week long vacation. I enjoyed every minute of it, felt energized, and had no regrets or major problems my first week back. In fact, I'm proud to say that I've never not used one of my vacation days and have taken a week long summer vacation ever since I've worked.

I commend Barry Salzberg for this kind of leadership, and having his priorities straight. Look, if an individual would rather spend all of their time at work, then that's up to them. But as a leader, you're setting an example and expectation that's messes with other people's lives. Then it's not OK.

At the risk of pushing my own personal values on others, you might also want to take a look at this advice from Marshall Goldsmith, where he says"You may work for a wonderful company and believe that your contribution is very important. But when you are 95 and you look around your death bed, very few of your fellow employees will be waving goodbye! Your friends and family will probably be the only people who care."

OK, what about the leader who really wants to take time off but just "can't"?

This isn't just about vacation, it's also about the hours you work. Are you a leader that routinely works 12-14 hour days, and every weekend including Sundays? It’s been my experience that many exceptional leaders are so good at what they do they are able to get their work done without having to do this. And, they still have time to spend with their families, do community work, serve on Boards, and maybe even sail or play a little golf. They can do this because they want to, and, they excel in the the skills of:

- Talent management
- Delegation
- Time management
- planning and organization

An executive I know recently really drove home this point for me. He’s one of the top performing of his peer group. He hardly ever works on weekends, finds the job to be pretty manageable is always looking for a new challenge and has a hearty appetite for leadership development. Yet many of his peers find the job overwhelming. When asked why, he said somewhat hesitantly, “maybe it’s a capacity issue”?

How about you? Are you getting home at 8:00pm every night? Do you work on Sundays? If yes, is it because “the company” is making you do it? Are you doing it because you want to? Or because you think you should (because everyone else does)? Do you brag about it like a badge of honor? Or complain about it like a victim?

Or is it because you need to develop in your role so you can do your job better, and in less time than anyone else?

Try looking at it this way: Remember taking those standardized tests in school? Do you really want to be the last person leaving the test room?

In summary, are the hours you’re working a “will” or “skill” issue? Either way, it may be time to make some changes that will benefit you, your loved ones, the people you lead, and your company.

Leadership character: The role of integrity.....the world is watching

Leadership character: The role of integrity

Of all the facets of character, integrity might be the most critical – it builds valuable trust between people – and yet also the most esoteric. I’ve heard many sage leaders say, “Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching.” That definition relies too much on habit. I can be without integrity, yet trained to behave predictably in a certain manner. Of course, discipline is valuable; but I want to know that my hands are disciplined as a result of the integrity of my soul, not my ability to follow rules without thinking about them.

There are two critical components of integrity that go beyond just doing the right thing when no one is looking. The first is the adherence to a moral or ethical principle. This isn’t simple compliance to a rule; it implies a philosophical understanding of the reason it exists. The second is the pursuit of an undiminished state or condition. Everyone makes mistakes, so being a person of integrity does not mean you haven’t committed a moral or ethical violation, ever. It means having the strength of character to learn from those ‘misbehaviors’ and seek continual self-improvement.

The word ‘character’ is derived from the Greek word charattein, meaning to engrave. This provides a much richer understanding of integrity as something we can develop and strengthen, rather than as a glass ball handed to us that we try in vain not to drop. Our integrity is shaped by our most valuable life lessons, those that involved our deepest issues of honesty and motive. Integrity requires humble introspection, not self-righteous declaration. For instance, I may say without hesitation that I do not lie, cheat or steal; but have I ever attempted to deceive someone? I may in fact be lying to myself.

So before we can even embrace the notion of integrity, we need to develop the ability to intellectually wrestle with the urge to rationalize away our underlying faults and the related consequences. Intellectual ownership produces authenticity, and authenticity doesn’t suffer compartmentalization or rationalization. Our actions must mirror our words in all facets of life.

The engraving process that is the development of our character requires courage and transparency to forge this true integrity. My integrity is what it is today because of painfully valuable lessons with consequences, born from accountability to moral and ethical principles. I learned not to lie because of a lie I told when was young, one that had a consequence. Then, years after my integrity would not tolerate a simple lie, I improved on this lesson even further: I learned that satisfaction with a half truth is unacceptable when the whole truth can be won. This lesson was expensive yet so valuable, and I only understood it with the help of a mentor who taught me that integrity is not the absence of failure, it’s moving forward from it.

What are you doing to lead with and strengthen the integrity of those around you? Transparently telling your own story is a good place to start. And sharing how your character has developed and strengthened over time will help others to see past the false fear that their integrity is only as strong as the secrets they keep.

The Business Of Doing Good: How Millennials Are Changing The Corporate Sector

The Millennials are coming… to an office near you. Over the course of the next decade we will bear witness to one of the largest demographic shifts in the workplace in modern history. By the year 2025 Millennials (born between 1979 and 1999) will come to fuel approximately 75% of the U.S. workforce, and worldwide this generation will account for 50% of those employed. To put that into context, there are 80 million Millennials today, of which approximately 45 million are employed. That’s 45 million voices, opinions and needs already sparking a new movement for change in the workplace.

Millennials currently represent close to two-thirds of our team at the Case Foundation, a

nd for good reason. It is with purposeful intent that I look to bring forward great talent from this generation, because simply put, they are poised to transform the social sector.

Many in this generation are known for being well-educated, entrepreneurial, tech savvy and idealistic. They take risks, are bold and want to change the world. Unlike past generations, they want to make their passions, inspirations and desire to do good part of their identity—and part of their work. The lines between personal passions and professional engagements are already rapidly disappearing. As a result, this commitment to doing good in the workplace is quickly becoming the new norm that will define the generation.

In other words, Millennials are driving a fundamental change the way we think about corporate culture and what we see as the potential for impact in the social sector by both companies and employees. For example, Crain’s Chicago Business recently revealed their list of the top places Millennials want to work in Chicago, and the reasons why the top companies made it to the list probably won’t surprise you. Number one on the list is Jellyvision Lab, an interactive marketing company, that won out due to its commitment to doing “funny, meaningful and helpful work” that its employees can be “proud of.”

And this isn’t an isolated case, either – companies that are attracting and retaining the best and brightest of the next generation understand that they need to focus not only on their company’s social good footprint, but also on how their company is creating opportunities for employees to do good in order to help them achieve personal fulfillment and workplace satisfaction.

According to the findings of the 2014 Millennial Impact Report, which was released today of the more than 1,500 Millennial surveyed, a company’s involvement with causes influenced 55% of Millennials to accept a job. Once in a position, the main factor in determining whether or not they remained at their company (beyond compensation and benefits) was having their passions used and fulfilled (53%). Following behind was a belief in the company’s mission and purpose (20%) and bonds with co-workers (20%).

Millennials recognize that many companies today are already making strides as stewards in their communities. This recognition from the Millennial generation coupled with the strong responses around the importance personal fulfillment and satisfaction in the workplace opens up a new door and the next big opportunity for companies that want to engage with their Millennials workforce—moving from a company that does good to being a company that creates opportunities for its employees to do good.

What kind of opportunities should companies look at? Through the Millennial Impact Report we see that in the workplace, Millennial employees most appreciated cause initiatives such as volunteering, service activities or making a donation that helped their surrounding community. In supporting these initiatives, 94% of these employees preferred applying their individual skills such as pro bono work and expressed a specific desire for companies to institute more company-wide volunteer days and sabbaticals for volunteering.

What does this mean for you and your company? Simply put – these trends are the future of employee engagement. Millennials are in the business of doing good.

This is a generation working for good, not just financial returns. Millennials wants to be part of a solution and they are willing to try and tackle our most pressing challenges to help bring about transformative change in the social and corporate sectors. Millennials are facilitating this demand to integrate social good opportunities into the workplace they want to be a part of, not the one that currently exits. The companies that successfully engage this group and answer their call will ultimately help to catalyze it within the corporate sector allowing for a new, more valuable kind of return.

How "Stupid" We really are......

I've learned that changing your mind is one of the most difficult things we do. It is far easier to fool yourself into believing a falsehood than admit a mistake.

I've learned that people are terrible at predicting their own emotions. You will be more fearful when the market is crashing and more greedy when it is surging than you think. 

I've learned that strong political beliefs in either direction limit your ability to make rational decisions more than almost anything else.

I've learned that short-term thinking is at the root of most of our problems, whether it's in business, politics, investing, or work.

I've learned that debt can cause more social problems than some drugs, yet drugs are illegal and debt is tax deductible.

I've learned that finance is actually very simple, but it's made to look complicated to justify fees.

I've learned that self-interest is the most powerful force in the world. People in unethical, predatory, and nonsense jobs will do mental gymnastics to convince themselves they're doing the right thing. Those who criticize the behavior of "greedy Wall Street bankers" underestimate their tendency to do the same thing if offered an eight-figure salary.

I've learned that people are twice as biased as they think they are, which is precisely why biases are dangerous.

I've learned that unsustainable things can last years, even decades, longer than people think.

I've learned that those who think "it's different this time" are the four most dangerous words are wrong. It is always different this time, as no two recessions, recoveries, or market cycles are alike. What's dangerous is assuming the future will perfectly resemble the past.

I've learned that journalists' need to write far exceeds the number of things that need to be written. No writer can say to their boss, "There's nothing important to write about today," although it is the truth most days.

I've learned that no one cares how accurate pundits' forecasts are. Those who listen to pundits are most interested in having their own views confirmed. Accuracy is an afterthought.

I've learned that there's a strong correlation between knowledge and humility. People who spend 10 minutes on Google studying monetary policy think they have it all figured out, while people with Ph.D.s and decades of experience throw up their hands in frustration. The more you study economics, the more you realize how little we know about it.

I've learned that what looks like tomorrow's biggest threat almost never is. Most of what people worried about over the last five years -- inflation, rising interest rates, a double-dip recession, stagnant markets, Greece leaving the euro, a government default -- never occurred. The biggest actual risk for most of us was something few talked about: excessive pessimism.

I've learned that data can do more harm than good. There is so much data available today that you can convincingly prove almost anything by cherry-picking with industrial strength. This breeds confirmation bias, as people start with an answer then find data to back it up.

I've learned that a willingness to wait longer than other people is your biggest natural edge. If you can think about the next five years while everyone else is fixated on the next five months, you have an advantage that makes high-frequency trading, insider tips, and corporate loopholes look like a joke.

I've learned that we can't tell the difference between luck and skill. Out of millions of investors, a few will be phenomenally successful due to luck alone, yet no one is willing to admit they are one of the lucky ones.

I've learned that there's no such thing as a normal market or a normal economy. Some people spend their lives "waiting for things to get back to normal" without realizing that stocks and the economy are always in some state of craziness.

I've learned that when it comes to earning high investment returns, market volatility is like an entrance fee at an amusement park. But few investors want to pay the market's entrance fee. They'd rather sneak in the back door, hop the fence, and outsmart security -- all of which is stressful and likely to fail. At both the amusement park and in investing, they'd have a better experience if they just paid the damn entrance fee.

I've learned that Winston Churchill was right when he said, "You can always count on Americans to do the right thing -- after they've tried everything else." Congress is a basket case 99% of the time, but when things are truly at the precipice it gets things done.

I've learned that people's expectations grow faster than their wealth. The country is richer than it's ever been. I don't think it's as happy as it's ever been.

I've learned that how you reacted to past bubbles is a good indication of how you'll act to future ones. The same people buying dot-com stocks in 1999 were buying Miami condos in 2006 and gold in 2011. 

I've learned that "do nothing" is the best advice for almost everyone almost all the time.